It’s been a while since I have written anything here, but a lot has happened. I moved into a new, and much nicer, apartment; I got our profit-sharing BONUS (and it is worthy of the CAPS); I also got a raise and the Excellence Award for performance last year; and – lastly but not least – I finally decided to go to Grad school and get an MBA. I hope I get in!

I’ve been having some issues of late, and I am now certain that, subconsciously, it is all because of my upcoming birthday. I’ve never really cared for them, but … this one’s different.

[Side note: I am glad I am not into podcasts. I’d rather not provide real insight into how I am feeling, and it would just be far too apparent if you could hear me.]

I have realized, and admitted and/or accepted, a lot of things that are a reality. Funny – how I am honest with others, and lie to myself; I do it all the time. I wish I could truly say that there are things that can wait forever, but it’s not true: some things just can’t wait.

All of a sudden I am not as satisfied as I had been since I go to TX. And I am certainly not content like I once was. I have been searching for that place for so long, and I can’t find my way back there. I am afraid that I DO know the way, but am not willing to walk it. (And most certainly, not drive it.)

Worse is that the memories plague me; that the feelings overwhelm me; that I can’t run away this time around. Yet again, I have everything I could wish for and it’s not nearly enough. There is always something missing, and I know what it is. But it is not something I can go buy; they don’t sell it at Wal-mart, CVS or IKEA. And it’s not so easily found either.

But worst is that the more time passes the harder it becomes to walk the path that leads to what I seek, to what I want, to what I need. And time passes, while I think … while I type … while I wake into the realization that life truly is short and that I have wasted so much by walking away in the search of what I desire. Always moving from one place or situation to another. Always leaving behind every thing and everyone that may be in the way, that may become a barrier; and never taking with me those who bring a second wind.

And, as usual, I do as I please because it is I alone who must endure the consequences of my choices; and thus alone I carry on.