A little over 9 years ago, I started a blog. At the time, I thought of it as something else to do, and a chance to keep in touch with people, without having to actually do so (if they wanted to know what was up with me, they could just read about.) In the past 9 years, the blog has evolved and devolved; there is even a gap, where several years were lost in a sad episode of forgetfulness and hurry.
I say the blog evolved and devolved because it changed over time, just like I have. It got me through lonely times, confusing times, frustrating times. It helped me express my thoughts, ideas and frustrations. It made me feel accountable to the world, even if no one ever saw what I had written. And that is why I have chosen to start again, on a clean slate.
My life has been a little … different for the better part of the last decade. I have had to battle against myself day in and day out, fighting a battle I am not sure I can win; but that hasn’t stopped me. If I am anything, it is persistent. No matter what happens I keep moving, I keep trying, I keep fighting. If it has to be done, I do it. Like everyone else, I have fears and excuses for not taking on some challenges or embarking in desperately desired adventures, but I keep moving. It may not be forward, but it is moving.
For example, when doctors said I would never graduate from high school, I retaught my brain how to learn and keep information. I graduated from high school with honors, and attended a prestigious university. It wasn’t easy, but it had to be done. I wasn’t going to let some unlikely ailment and a little brain damage ruin my life. Several years later when my brain decided to start controlling not just my body but also my life, something had to be done. I have been fighting ever since. I do it everyday. But it all comes with a price.
I have worked really hard to overcome all the hurdles I have encountered, doesn’t matter which shape they take (i.e. illness, loss, handicap). At times I feel like I have lost more than I have gained. I have certainly lost things, like: my house, my car, privacy, space, independence. But most importantly, I seem to have lost track of the path I was on, and of what I want from my life.
I think we all have an idea of how our lives should be. As a child, I never dreamt my life would be like this at 32. Some people dream of going to college, starting a career, getting married, buying a house, having children, getting a dog, growing old with a partner they love, and retiring to enjoy the golden years. I don’t know that I dreamt of all that, or even that far ahead. I remember dreaming of going to college and settling into a career I loved and enjoyed. The most important factor in determining what that would be was that I would look forward to going to work everyday.
I may have occasionally dreamt about having children, buying a house, etc., but when I thought about what I would be “when I grow up” the only word that came to mind was “happy.”
One would think at this juncture in my life, I would be happy, or even content. After all, at one point, I had everything I had ever wanted, and I could not think of anything that was missing. I lived with no regrets and my life was on track to take me where I wanted to go. Somewhere along that track something went wrong, because today I am not where I thought I would be 10 years later.
Don’t get me wrong. My life is okay, now that it is no longer on pause. But, I am stuck. I keep moving, but it doesn’t feel like I am moving forward. Yes, my life deteriorated into a mess a while back (see comment above regarding mischievous brain) and, yes, I have certainly moved forward since then. But, that forward motion only brought me back to where I had been before. It was somewhat akin, I would imagine, to being in a coma while in pain and waking up years later to find that you have to start over because most of what you knew to be true no longer applies. At least, that’s how I feel. Except, I wasn’t in a coma; I was awake and functional and consciously fighting to wake up and start over.
So, not only have I lost “things,” I have lost the most valuable currency available to man: time. Regardless, I am determined to continue on my journey. I will figure it out. I will figure out what I want now, how to get it or there, whom to take with me, whom to leave behind. I will take it one step at a time.