I am just here: thinking of what it’s all about, what it’s all worth it.
Is it worth it?
I feel like I wasted my time in Chicago, because: 1) no one will give me job were I can live to my full potential; 2) I wouldn’t dare apply to one of the Top 20s again; 3) I don’t feel like I used to feel, about anything.
I used to love to learn, and now I feel like it might be detrimental. Funny… the one thing I think no one can have too much of, is the one thing that holds me back. Most people think I am a smart-ass, but I am just timid and smart. I don’t relate to people either, so that may have something to do with it.
Then I go get a Graduate degree, because it’s the next logical step for me. But I do it for someone else; worse, for something else. And when I realize that I am going in the wrong direction, I also realize that I have lost my way. But not only have I lost my way, I have lost myself.
Gosh, I never thought that possible. I found myself at an early age, and some people never do. I knew what I wanted, where to get it, and how to get there. I wanted Chicago more than anything, and I got it. I wanted to graduate despite all odds, and I did. But I can’t remember who I was then. All I remember is that I was happy.
And some think that I wasn’t. But I have never been happier than I was in Chicago. Even when I was miserable, I was happy. Few can understand the feeling and satisfaction that comes from the life of the mind; and even fewer have ever been as happy as I was under the circumstances. Chicago was, is and will always be home to me. It’s hard to explain, but the kind of misery I endured there was worth it all the while, and I — and everyone else who stayed — knew it.
But the world doesn’t understand. The world doesn’t care. The world doesn’t suffer the way we do, and for what we’ve done it. The world is more practical, and we are merely in theory. The world doesn’t care about the great philosophers or original documents; it only cares about dollars and euros, about jobs and position, houses, cars, etc. Parents who say they want a good education for their children do nothing to make sure they are truly educated adults in the future. It’s all about video games and the latest … something.
I guess I have gotten old, and I have become cynical. Or maybe I was a cynic, and have now become a skeptic. Either way, I am tired of it all. Worse of all I have nowhere to go. I am trapped inside this world, trapped inside myself; stuck in a level between something and nothing, and unable to get to either.
I wish I didn’t care. But I do. I wish it weren’t so, but it is.
And all I am left to do is hope that tomorrow brings something better, or never comes at all. All I am left to do is hope I can keep going, but I think I have done it for way too long.
Good night.