Wow. It’s been a month since I entered anything here. It’s been a rough month too.
I have come to many decisions in that time. Also, to many realizations. I have seen several sides of myself that I had not in a long time, so long that I didn’t remember them until I ran smack dab into them. I like when that happens. I like when I remember who I am, who I’ve been; it’s bittersweet, but it goes a long way.
It’s really hard losing yourself like this. Some might think it’s a great chance to start over, and it is. It’s also terrifying. I have gone from audacious and living without regrets to utterly risk-averse and hesitant. Apprehensive only lasted a few minutes and I jumped right over the fence. It is infuriating. It is over.
I am reclaiming my life.
The terrifying part is not knowing who you are and what you want, anymore. Those intrinsic, innate characteristics about myself are there; however, some are buried so deep that I only remember them when they resurface, or when someone reminds me of something from the past. It’s like my whole perspective has shifted, and I know what I wanted and want I thought I wanted, but it’s all blurred together. Even though I feel like I still want some of those things, I want others as well. Some of those things I think I want feel irrelevant at times, and things I never thought I wanted I want more than anything now. Ironically, it’s crazy.
For more than a year now, I have been spending a lot of time meditation of my life, on myself, etc. A lot of that time has been spent on the people in my life, though mostly on myself. The most significant realizations regarding others has been less than positive. Not with everyone, but in regard to a significant percentage to the people in my life. It has been a disheartening realization, not that I hadn’t come to it several times before. I just didn’t want to take it to heart, because it’s painful. Now, I have embraced it in the same manner I did when I was just 16.
I am a survivor, and I am tried of just making it through. I have made it through this, and it’s time I stop surviving and start living my life. I can’t do that surrounded by the wrong people. People who do not know me, and do not want to know me. They only want to see who they think I am or should be; I just want to be me. So, I will.
I have a plan. I always have a plan. This plan has no rules, or time-stamps, or guidelines, really. It is the most liberal plan I’ve ever made, and I am quiet happy with it. It’s all penciled in and gray-scale, but it looks like a masterpiece to me.
I finally remembered what I thought before I left for Chicago. How I felt about life and the future. Then I remembered what I thought and felt once I got there. It was a drastic change, and it was not a change I would have consciously made. That makes no difference now because it happened. I can’t go back, but I can get my life back. That’s the plan.
I don’t know how, when or where, but I am going to take the biggest risk ever – soon enough. I am going to take control of my life back;anyone who is not on-board with it, can feel free to jump ship because I don’t need any more dead weight.